Posts
I am unable to write anything. I feel entombed in invectives that stem from an angst I could only hint at here and here.
Why do I feel like my soul is being emptied? Why can’t I just get over this?
Hopeless, nothing, meaningless life
Beat on an anvil, gripped in a vice
11 comments:
i'm sorry for your pain nathan.
and missing you so much. praying for you more.
hello my friend,
i'm sorry you are hurting. those poems you wrote say so much about how that feels for you.
thanks for letting us know where you are these days. it's good to have a pulse on how things are going for you, even if the answer is 'not well.'
peace to you, friend. much peace.
st. john of the cross wrote about a "dark night of the soul", and i wonder if this might not be what you're describing Nathan. i'm hurting for you and wishing i could sit with you and listen over some tea. take care of yourself friend. we're here for you.
days like these,
i put my head on my arms
and sing the old song:
why Oh why Oh why Oh why
Who are You
to take me through
not only the blinding heat of summer
or the cold winter
when I only wish I had a fever
but also this nothing
apathy
there is no way out
from here unless
You choose
my heart would ache
with the agony of waiting
but i've lost all feeling
there
Nate, I dunno if this is where you're at, but it's where your words brought me. Caring for you.
dear nate,
i really don't know what to say in response to this emptiness, this scraping against the walls of your soul that is taking place. but i just wanted to let you know i am here. and i can sit & listen if you want.
nathan, i am not sure the relationship these two invectives speak of, whether it is related to the not so good friday or not, but you know where we've been for months with what my husband shared and we two have been waiting, hoping, angsting, for the rock to be rolled away from the tomb. to see the resurrection power in this present day, relief from the incessant beating on an anvil, feeling no ability to get freedom from the vice grip.
today's daily manna caused me to pause and just let the Word penetrate yesterday's angst
O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared. I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. Psalm 130:2-7
i read it to rob...twice...three times some parts. mercy. redemption. more than watchmen wait for the morning. our hope in the Lord's unfailing love, not man's. i felt a grip loosen. i wanted to copy it to everyone involved and shout THAT IS WHERE OUR HOPE IS.
"some things are just for us" i was told...and yes, i agree. for us, and for nathan. i pray these words have a counter-clockwise motion to loosen the hopeless grip and breathe meaningful cpr into your lungs. It's just a drop i know. Lord, please, what your Word just did here, continue to do for us, for nathan. our hope is in you. come through for us, come through for nathan, Lord...like watchmen wait for the morning, we wait for you to come through. we can't see how this can be redeemed, it seems hopeless, only you can breathe life into this entombment and roll away the rock. come out lazarus. command new life into these dead places Lord. only you are able. do it again Lord, I pray, in your name Jesus, Amen.
Everyone, thank you for the words of comfort. This definitely does seem like a dark night for my soul. It has nothing to do with the Not-So-Good Friday or the lady involved in that. This runs much deeper and for a much longer period of time. I appreciate the Psalm and everyone's willingness to listen and pray for me.
Nathan
It hurts me to see you going through these things, because i see you on a regular basis, i know the pain. It hurts to hear the hopelessness in your voice. It makes me hurt when i see how helpless i am to heal what torments you. Do you need some of my xanax?
nathan
It hurts me to know the torment that i see you in everyday. It hurts me because it makes me know how totally helpless i am.
Sorry Nathan I did not mean for that to pop up 2x.
Tammy, that's cool. You were probably tricked by my comment moderation thing I recently applied to my account. So it just appears that your stuff doesn't post. It will pop up after I view it. :)
Post a Comment