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I have been struggling with whether or not I should blog about something that happened on Good Friday. I guess my writing now indicates my decision.
I have been away from my little blogging community for a while, and believe me, I miss all of you sorely. But, I’ve been busy with a lot of personal things, and I’ve been in and out of state. A LOT HAS BEEN GOING ON!
I haven’t been feeling all that well, and quite frankly, I have just felt too blasé about life in general to eek out enough gumption to say much. I am very sorry for being so unavailable. I will be trying to catch up with each of you this week. I know I’m back-logged with posts to read. And I love reading them, so it won’t be all that hard.
Back to my story. This past Good Friday was a day that will be forever seared in my mind. And in deference to the truth, it was not at all good. It was, however, a little liberating, and I was able to release some things that have tormented me for some time.
I met with a pastor and a female friend of mine that day. The reason for the meeting was to clear up a matter of gossip. I had asked the pastor to arrange the meeting so that I could get to the bottom of three months worth of badmouthing I had experienced from this lady.
I am a very direct person when it comes to certain things. Gossip would be one of those things. I’ve seen it destroy countless lives. And this lady, both a church leader and friend, should know better. I know I am probably being judgmental.
I’ve got to confess that I was seething before the meeting ever began. It went pretty smoothly – as smoothly as meetings of this variety could go – for the first hour. Then it happened. I descended into this base carnality. She said three things in sequence (apparently pulling them from an alternate universe) that set me off. It was hard enough to stay calm when she had been proclaiming one particular lie as the truth throughout the meeting, no matter how many times I politely gave her opportunity to clarify.
But, she (or the devil) knew exactly what three things to say in order to elicit a reaction from me. And react I did. I was so evil. I will not repeat here the things I said in the church that day. I am too ashamed. But suffice to say that I just unloaded on this woman, a so-called friend of mine (and I’m not being fair because she really has been a friend to me). It was as if a volcano was erupting and I couldn’t shut it off. I was so sick of the hypocrisy, the lies, and the smug smirk on her face as she doled out religious justification for her nonsense.
I have been trying to be patient with this lady for years. And I won’t go into the circumstances, because that doesn’t excuse my malefic reaction. I said some horrendous things – purposely hurtful things. I did that because I knew they would hurt her, and I wanted her to feel the same sting that I was feeling by what she had done. So many things came out of my mouth that I really didn’t mean. But that wasn’t the point. My intent was to maim. And that’s precisely what I did.
The only redeeming thing that came out of that meeting was that God showed me this dross still dwelling so deeply within me. I am very aware that I am a far cry from being a picturesque Christian (whatever that is), but the things I spewed from my mouth that day gave me a greater glimpse of just how far I am away from being what God wants me to be. I was so immature and just plain mean.
I have been tormented by Black Friday ever since that meeting. I feel sick in my stomach that I was so cruel. I sent an email the next day and apologized for the mean things I said and asked her to forgive me, but I was still angry, and that letter certainly conveyed that. I was trying to be real: I just told her that God was trying to help me get to a place where I could completely forgive all of the things she had done.
Still, I feel disgusting. I feel uneasy. I feel immature and cruel. This haunts me. I wish I could fix things, but I really believe the friendship is irretrievably damaged. I counted this woman – with all of her merits and demerits – a friend. And the loss of the friendship brings a lot of pain. I truly believe that I was completely unable to cope with anymore religious pretense used to disguise selfish, vindictive attacks – especially when it comes from the mouth of a friend. Betrayal of this magnitude is beyond what I can deal with right now.
I feel like a low life. That’s probably because I behaved as one. I want to say I will just turn it all over to God . . . and I know I have to do that. But this is really not that easy. Done venting.
13 comments:
Nathan,
Sorry you had to go through that..I can relate to the pain that caused you..betrayal,friendship,and trust was lost all in one meeting. I think this is a season for God to weed out the ones who were put here to harm us by masking to be something or someone that they are not. God is revealing people for who they really are. It's a blessing and a disappointment all in one... but i think that it's gonna all be for the better...AND i don't know how many times I've told you that you can't hold things in..(I'm glad u now see the evidence of that)...but I'm glad you got it out of your system...SO not good for your being...I'm here for u..I'm sure you already know that....I'll be praying for you ...talk to ya lata...God bless
Hi Nate,
Wow. What a tough situation. I was trying to put myself into your shoes, to imagine what it was like to take something so long that eventually I would get to the point where I spewed a lot of things that I would never say in my more rational, collected moments. The best I can say is that, given what I've learned of you so far, I can imagine you were carrying A LOT prior to the explosion.
I was thinking about the remorse you feel right now, the way you want to make things right, even though your deepest heart isn't reconciled to that notion quite yet right now. And I was thinking how commendably this speaks to your character overall, since you were ultimately reacting to an injustice done to you, and yet even in the face of that continued injustice, you still reach out to try and make things right. Wow.
I'm not writing any of this to try to justify what you did. I really don't believe that's what you're looking for because you seem pretty clear on the situation. I'm writing this to try to identify with what you might be thinking and feeling and to speak to what I observe about you as a person and friend, both my friend and her friend.
As my friend, I observe what I shared above about your character, and also your ability to think rationally and care for people on all sides of an issue. I've seen that in you. As her friend, it appears you gave her that benefit for a long time, first by giving her grace for three months, then by organizing a meeting to talk openly about the situation, then by giving her opportunities to clarify what you saw as inconsistencies, and then to try to make amends after the fact of some difficult deeds on your end.
It sounds like you had a moment of humanness, Nathan. Raw, unadulterated humanness. The kind that really puts the differences between ourselves and Jesus into sharp relief.
I know I don't have to tell you that these are the moments Jesus came for. On Good Friday, I know you know that already. But I'll say it anyway. There's grace in this place for you, my brother and friend. It is washing all over you.
Nathan being so in the midst of this situation and knowing the details almost makes me feel as if i am on the inside looking out. I have watched you everyday now since that happened and i see the grief that it has caused you, not just the grief that she brought, but the grief that you are feeling over your response.
I know that this situation is in sorta of an unredeemable place, but i take consolation in this....that maybe your anger released a type of reality check into her life and also in the lives of the other religious people who were involved.
I am in no way brushing off the approach you used, but we are human and that "volcano" had been ready to blow for sometime. Plus, you are certainly not putting up any false pretenses with where you are with God at this point and for someone to stare down their nose at you with some spiritual justification for their gossip was enough to send any of us over the edge.
You know that i love you and that i am totally with you in this mess and i am totally unimpressed all the religious BS.
Glad to see you doing some blogging even under the bad circumstances.
Nathan, bro, I don't have a lot of words right now...in something of a word chasm of my own, I suppose. But I read this and I see your humanness and, somehow, love you the more for it. I can't explain that, because I don't want to deny the ugliness of it all, but it's the way I feel.
oh man nathan i am sure feeling you on this. you are so honest and real and transparent i can't help but think as awful as you've described this reaction and your disdain for that still under renovation place in you, God will still use you and your words to bring about his will and there will be redemption coming so watch for it in ways you can't even think or imagine. i hate gossip. i hate when matt 18:15 is skipped and :16-17 is out of order. and the drossing up and out...ah yes, praise God for that! you know what nathan, the enemy who has fueled all of this to begin with would love for you to think that it is beyond repair...repent, receive forgiveness, it is covered by the blood and that is not religious jargon. it is true. as much as it depends on you now, let the shame finish it's godly purpose for you and do not give it any more room than that. don't live it one more minute. you are loved beyond belief. i don't minimize any of this, i feel the heaviness and just ask God to help you lift it to him now in Jesus name and be free to take the next step ... and i really do pray for the circle of forgiveness and restoration to happen sooner than later, but of course that is beyond your control. do what you can and leave the rest to God.
love you bro. [hug]
Nathan
The comment here that Di left was so good, encouraging you to not dwell on that condemnation. Man that shame can kill you as much if not worse than her words themselves. I had a thought. you know we are always talking about sin levels...you say well if i am a liar, i am already a sinner but that does not mean i need to go out and add stealing to my resume.
So the same principal kinda applies here, you sorta think well what is done is final i can't change it so i will carry this guilt around to punish myself.
I know really well how hard it is to let that self punishment go, it is not easy.
I want you to be encouraged though, and i believe i can speak for all of our blogging family that we know you, the YOU that is there before, during and after all of this.
And in what you may feel was one of your most "sinful" moments we are loving you with a die hard, UNWAVERING, unconditional,and all-knowing love. By all-knowing i mean we have full knowledge of that circumstance and the yuk of it all. But i embrace you in the midst of it. Not just your "happy" side but your unhappy side as well.
Terri sent me an e-mail one day about the love of God and how he does not see sin as something that so repulses Him that it drives Him from us. So from that e-mail i concluded that God's loving nature surpasses His all-knowing sense of justice and judgment. This means, to me, if i seek to love Gods way i must embrace all of you.
If that means embracing sin then so be it, am i better than a holy God who with His holy nature fully embraced sin on the cross to rescue me when i could not rescue myself.
Bro if you are drowning we are standing on the shore throwing you a life jacket to reel you in not sling a milestone around your neck to make sure you drown. And as for me i have decided if you drown we will drown together because i am diving in after you. I refuse to see you out there dying and come along and steal your last breathe. Bless God we are in a sinking ship together.
wow. everyone's comments here are so beautiful. this is the church right here, right now, people. so blessed and humbled to be along with you all in this.
**big heaving sigh**
i've missed you, nate.
and as i've read through the comments here, i'm struck by the poignant truth of christianne's most recent comment: this is the church. it is the wounded gathering around & lifting up the wounded, a particularly hurting brother in need of healing.
i think you held yourself together better than many could have - certainly better than i could have - under such circumstances. if the christian life were graded on a curve, perhaps that would matter, but you & i both know that it's not. i guess what i'm trying to say is that i see you trying to go about this in God-honoring way when many would have acted out of spite & pain & their own sense of self-righteousness.
it sounds like that is eventually what happened: the slow simmer began to burn & bubble over into a full boil.
oh, i have been there. i know the kind of grief & remorse you're talking about. i won't say i know how you feel because i don't. but i know what it is to be responsible for causing irreparable damage to another human soul with my words. you just can't shake that kind of thing.
i'm sorry for the death of this friendship. i'm sorry that this friend found such need to act out like this toward you. i'm sorry that despite your best efforts to resolve the lies amicably, she continued to exalt herself by grinding you deeper into the ground with her speech. i'm sorry for the things that made her feel like this would redeem her in the eyes of the community around you.
i am so sorry for this human condition of ours.
i think there is such a fine line between conviction & shame and in our own pain & confusion, the two are often so blurred that their distinction is imperciptible. when confronted with the truth of ourselves in light of events such as these, we can confess our sin & request forgiveness from christ & from those within the circle of the offense. the grief will linger to be sure, as the memory of our wrong is fresh & indelibly imprinted on our minds, and as we live in the consequences of our actions. i think the enemy thrives in these moments when in the wake of our realization & confession, he twists the truth by fractions. a blatant lie would be easier to recognize. we cannot deny to truth of what he whispers in our ears & so shame gets a foothold. it sticks to us. it burrows its claws deep into our flesh & weighs us down. it won't let go.
i would never say that you shouldn't feel the remorse that is so obviously & so profoundly affecting you. it seems right that you should. but like so many have said, know that there is grace for you in this place: this place where the truth of ourselves is held up to the light & offered to christ in all the glorious messiness & ugliness & darkness of what it is. what we don't acknowledge of ourselves cannot be exchanged for the beauty & truth that is christ in you [who, by the way, is probably the only "picturesque christian" who ever lived]. all this might be cold comfort for the place you are in right now, & i know that.
love you, nate. there is grace for you in this place, from christ & from us. grace is for wretches like us.
nate, it's pretty much all been said already, but i'm standing here with you remembering all the times i've been in a similar place and how wretched it feels. i hope you'll let in all the love and know that this love is from God.
Everyone,
Thanks for all of the love and support. When I get up enough steam to really write something, I will address each of you personally.
Just know that each of you is in my heart and thoughts. I am very grateful for my blogging buddies. Blessings & Peace to each of you.
Nathan,
I know you don't know me. My wife (Di Kistler) sent this to me knowing the parallels in our stories. You had the guts to write things I barely let myself think in my own "not-so-good-friday" experience. I'm wondering if you might be open to an off-line email conversation? Me thinks God may have a lesson for me in your story for my healing. I'm not sure what but sense there might be a mutual help in this. Hang on to Jesus, man!
Rob
robkistler@hotmail.com
Nathan, just checking in to let you know I hear you. Being human sucks sometimes. Be strong. Better yet, be forgiven.
"Emotions", a term derived from a Latin word "Emevor" meaning to stir or mix, can be really fascinating at times.
You feel guilty, for you evacuated your feelings and pent up frustration over her. But, its a friend who is the only one who can help you relieve your emotional paranoia.
What happent then at the church, was Cathasis for you. In Psychotherapy, its a process by which one relieves his pent up emotions. But since you dont know how she would be feeling now, you are feeling guilty. Talk to her after you are done with easing yourself.
Guilt is just a trace of the inability to know how she is now.
Things you said. Things that came out without you wanting to say them, were a consequence of a reaction that was for so long suppressed. You are out with it, and it doesnt have to bother you anymore. Just make sure she is fine.
End this chapter after you clarify things with her. Dig it out of you and forget it. Incidents happen. And for sure you dont want to carry this one till the very end right?
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