I Feel

I feel . . .

Torrential rain

Endless tears

Shapeless love

House of mirrors

Wind-blown leaves

Shaking hands

Desert dryness

Shifting sands

Volcanic thunder

Convulsive sobs

Pillaged feelings

Emotional mobs

Frozen fright

Melted will

Fallow ground

No need to till

Loss that gains

Gain that’s loss

The hornet’s sting

Of count the cost

I feel . . .

∞∞∞ The Sum of Love is 8 ∞∞∞

∞∞∞

The sum of “I love you” is 8. That’s right. Not many people know this. I can only think of two who really know this strange mathematical phenomenon – me included. As kids we used to say I love you in code by writing 1-4-3. Each numeral represented the number of letters in each word of the phrase. We thought we were crafty. But we really didn’t know much about love, not really.

As my love matured, I reverted to this childlike method of communication. Maybe there was a need to talk in code, but honestly, it was because I came to a deeper understanding of love. In my "greater sophistication," I totaled the three numbers and would simply type or say, “8.” I have only used this expression with one person, and that is the way it will remain – always & forever. At times, 8 failed to be genuine love, but most of the time it was true to form. Today, it challenges me, because as I studied this numeral, I realized that if it is read backwards or upside down, it is still 8. That's the way true love works. No matter how you slice or dice it; it remains constant.

Even more profound was that fact that when turned sideways, it succinctly demonstrates the true nature of love: infinity. Someone used to tell me, “I love you times infinity.” This was the only way of conveying the force of this feeling I suppose. Love isn't simply constant; it is also infinite.

∞ best represents the nature of God: love. Every time I type the number 8, I am reminded about the love of God. For me, the number says, “I love you unconditionally – always & forever – times infinity.” It says that in just one character! And while I know this is probably not amazing to anyone but me, I am completely enamored by this numerical concept.

Every chance I get, being careful not to wear it out, I will insert this one number to remind my friend of how much I care. And each time I use it, God reminds me of how much He cares. When I was a kid, almost a baby really, there was a television show that aired titled, "Eight Is Enough." I am one of eight children, so the title of the show always stuck with me. And despite this all sounding like numerical nonsense, I have come to realize and embrace -- at least when it comes to love -- that 8 is enough.

8,

Nathan

∞∞∞

We All Wanna Be Loved

We All Wanna Be Loved

“I love you.” It’s hard to believe how the rich meaning of those three words has been turned into something so cheap. We use those words as an unreflective knee-jerk response to the “I-love-yous” of others. We incessantly and unashamedly repeat the phrase when we want to manipulate others to fulfill our own selfish motives – whether that is to get something or just “get some.”

I guess it’s no wonder then that the more thoughtful and considerate people use it so sparingly. I guess they don’t want their salt to lose its flavor. And who can blame them? After all, salt that doesn’t have any flavor is just plain flaky.

How did something so rich and powerful become something so poor and impotent? How did “I love you” get so corrupted? It’s probably because the essence of sin is selfishness. Selfish beings realize – either consciously or unconsciously – that love is the most fundamental need of humanity. We all want to be loved! Whether or not we consciously know this is entirely another matter. Still, the selfish prey on this vital need. Consequently, those all-too-important three words become denigrated to the point of being irrelevant. They certainly become easy to flippantly speak but exceedingly difficult to faithfully live out.

Again, this explains the reservations of the more reflective to express those life-giving three words. This is because a sensitive considerate person realizes the gravity of the expression. To truly utter those words is to freely give part of your self to another without the expectation of some kind of return; so, the greedy are left empty handed. To authentically utter those words is to commit your self to the often long and arduous process of being a true friend; so, the irresponsible are left jaded. To legitimately utter those words is to make your self transparent and vulnerable to the pain that comes from the possibility of being rejected; so, the fearful are left cringing. No, only a thoughtful, generous, committed, brave person can genuinely utter those three words. And those come few and far between. Maybe that’s why “I love you” has become so artificial?

I spoke to my brother last night on the phone for several hours. See, last night I desperately wanted to feel loved, if not hear someone say, “I love you.” He awakened at some absurd hour (perhaps not so absurd for a college student) and called me – unexpectedly. We talked about a number of things, some silly, some serious. We listened to each other with compassion and care as the moment called for it; we laughed with each other with revelry and recklessness when the situation solicited it. We had a good time. I never heard him say, “I love you” that night because he’s not the type to throw those words around lightly. But I did feel loved that night as he patiently and empathically listened to all of my pains and problems, and he conferred on me the dignity that comes with being seen and understood as a real person. I hope he felt the warmth and sincerity behind my “I love you” – just as I felt the wonder and genuineness of his love through his steadfast silence. After all: We all want and need to be loved!