You Taunt Me . . . You Haunt Me . . .

I smelled your skin today

And it carried me away

To a time when you were mine

And all we did was play

I heard your voice just now

And I’m wondering just how

It still sings to those parts

The ones I disallow

I feel your touch always

It caresses and it sways

My soul into a dream

My heart into a maze

I see your face through tears

My strength just disappears

My will just falls apart

My vision never clears

I taste your lips they tickle

And cut just like a sickle

My seeping veins in two

My pulse slows to a trickle

Paralysis Reprise

I am unable to write anything. I feel entombed in invectives that stem from an angst I could only hint at here and here.

Why do I feel like my soul is being emptied? Why can’t I just get over this?

Hopeless, nothing, meaningless life

Beat on an anvil, gripped in a vice

Education Update

Two people very close to my heart – Andrea and Clayton – have been accepted into graduate school. I just wanted to publicly say CONGRATULATIONS!

I love both of them dearly, and I look forward to seeing what God does with their lives in the next phase of their journeys.

P.S. I ran across a youtube clip of Clayton singing "I Won't Complain" here. It’s worth a click 'n view. :)

Not-So-Good Friday

I have been struggling with whether or not I should blog about something that happened on Good Friday. I guess my writing now indicates my decision.

I have been away from my little blogging community for a while, and believe me, I miss all of you sorely. But, I’ve been busy with a lot of personal things, and I’ve been in and out of state. A LOT HAS BEEN GOING ON!

I haven’t been feeling all that well, and quite frankly, I have just felt too blasé about life in general to eek out enough gumption to say much. I am very sorry for being so unavailable. I will be trying to catch up with each of you this week. I know I’m back-logged with posts to read. And I love reading them, so it won’t be all that hard.

Back to my story. This past Good Friday was a day that will be forever seared in my mind. And in deference to the truth, it was not at all good. It was, however, a little liberating, and I was able to release some things that have tormented me for some time.

I met with a pastor and a female friend of mine that day. The reason for the meeting was to clear up a matter of gossip. I had asked the pastor to arrange the meeting so that I could get to the bottom of three months worth of badmouthing I had experienced from this lady.

I am a very direct person when it comes to certain things. Gossip would be one of those things. I’ve seen it destroy countless lives. And this lady, both a church leader and friend, should know better. I know I am probably being judgmental.

I’ve got to confess that I was seething before the meeting ever began. It went pretty smoothly – as smoothly as meetings of this variety could go – for the first hour. Then it happened. I descended into this base carnality. She said three things in sequence (apparently pulling them from an alternate universe) that set me off. It was hard enough to stay calm when she had been proclaiming one particular lie as the truth throughout the meeting, no matter how many times I politely gave her opportunity to clarify.

But, she (or the devil) knew exactly what three things to say in order to elicit a reaction from me. And react I did. I was so evil. I will not repeat here the things I said in the church that day. I am too ashamed. But suffice to say that I just unloaded on this woman, a so-called friend of mine (and I’m not being fair because she really has been a friend to me). It was as if a volcano was erupting and I couldn’t shut it off. I was so sick of the hypocrisy, the lies, and the smug smirk on her face as she doled out religious justification for her nonsense.

I have been trying to be patient with this lady for years. And I won’t go into the circumstances, because that doesn’t excuse my malefic reaction. I said some horrendous things – purposely hurtful things. I did that because I knew they would hurt her, and I wanted her to feel the same sting that I was feeling by what she had done. So many things came out of my mouth that I really didn’t mean. But that wasn’t the point. My intent was to maim. And that’s precisely what I did.

The only redeeming thing that came out of that meeting was that God showed me this dross still dwelling so deeply within me. I am very aware that I am a far cry from being a picturesque Christian (whatever that is), but the things I spewed from my mouth that day gave me a greater glimpse of just how far I am away from being what God wants me to be. I was so immature and just plain mean.

I have been tormented by Black Friday ever since that meeting. I feel sick in my stomach that I was so cruel. I sent an email the next day and apologized for the mean things I said and asked her to forgive me, but I was still angry, and that letter certainly conveyed that. I was trying to be real: I just told her that God was trying to help me get to a place where I could completely forgive all of the things she had done.

Still, I feel disgusting. I feel uneasy. I feel immature and cruel. This haunts me. I wish I could fix things, but I really believe the friendship is irretrievably damaged. I counted this woman – with all of her merits and demerits – a friend. And the loss of the friendship brings a lot of pain. I truly believe that I was completely unable to cope with anymore religious pretense used to disguise selfish, vindictive attacks – especially when it comes from the mouth of a friend. Betrayal of this magnitude is beyond what I can deal with right now.

I feel like a low life. That’s probably because I behaved as one. I want to say I will just turn it all over to God . . . and I know I have to do that. But this is really not that easy. Done venting.