Harmonizing My Heart and Mind

When Prayer Is Not Enough

2011-08-23T03:07:00.008-04:00

Stephen Johnson was a devoted husband, gifted teacher, nurturing pastor, and intense intercessor. He was loved and respected by many in the small Midwestern community in which he lived, those inside and outside his church alike. He was especially adored by the many members of his church, House of Prayer, because they knew him to be a prayer warrior. They were proud that their church was known around the city as a house of prayer.

Unlike many churches in the area, nightly intercessory prayer brought in large numbers of people who would storm the heavens all night beseeching God on behalf of a “lost and dying world.” Visions of the future were common and prophetic mysteries were unraveled at these meetings. These gave the attendees a level of preparation that many of the neighboring churches did not enjoy. Still, faithfully, this congregation would pray that the eyes of these other churches would soon be opened, and they prayed this sincerely.

Stephen’s wife, Hannah, often led these midnight vigils. She seemed deeply committed to the mission of the church and was likewise admired by many of its members.

These meetings were filled with young children too. You could often see some of them marching up and down the aisles waving little banners praying and praising the Lord late at night. Most, however, could be found sleeping soundly on the pews as their parents persevered in prayer into the wee hours of the morning.

Sadly, Stephen and Hannah were unable to conceive children. This, along with the immense pressure that came with such a powerful ministry, brought tension into their marriage. Their congregants were reassuring and would often encouragingly inform them that they were praying and that God would give them children.

No one noticed, not even Stephen and Hannah, that this couple’s relationship was slowly eroding. They talked to each other less and less, and soon they found it very difficult to lay aside the many ministerial demands—especially intercessory prayer—long enough just to pay attention to one another. Somehow, this seemed a necessary sacrifice if they were going to truly please the Lord.

Stephen and his congregation were stunned one day when they learned that Hannah had left Stephen for another man. It was as if a locomotive had derailed and ripped through the church doors maiming everyone in the building.

Members spoke in hushed tones as Pastor Stephen tried to endure this “test.” They all let him know that they were praying for him even more intensely and would storm the throne of God on his behalf; they would stand up for Stephen before the mercy seat. Yet none went beyond these proclamations of prayer. He was surrounded with isolation.

The congregation went from prayerful to perplexed when Pastor Stephen failed to show up one Sunday morning. What followed next, only a child could understand.

Members commented on how peaceful Pastor Stephen looked as he lay in the coffin at Burke’s Funeral Home. The peculiar scent of artificial flowers tickled the noses of those attending. The flowers looked beautiful but were bereft of life. They had the form of the real thing but reeked of something akin to formaldehyde.

A number of individuals sought to console one another in whispers attempting to explain what had actually taken place. How could this powerful man of God—this prayer warrior—have taken his own life? It just didn’t make sense.

Three women in particular were huddled together in front of the casket staring at their pastor’s lifeless body as a five-year-old girl gazed up at their confused conversation. “Why didn’t he just pray more?” exclaimed one lady. “Maybe he just didn’t have enough faith” interjected another. “We should have prayed harder for our leader” lamented the third lady—all heads shaking side to side in disbelief.

“Why didn’t somebody give him a hug?” asked the little girl in a gentle tone.

“Aren’t you just the sweetest thing?” the three ladies chimed in simultaneously as they collectively patted the top of the little girl’s head. “Now run along, we’re discussing grown-up things.”

*******

The Namuhton village was situated at the edge of the Sahara desert in North Africa where arid met oasis. The villagers had eked out a meager existence along this line of conflicting possibilities for centuries before the Pentecostal missionaries had arrived declaring to them the water that would enable them to never thirst again.

The Namuhton people enthusiastically slaked their spiritual thirst with the Good News that had been delivered to them through these earthen vessels. The missionaries spent many years discipling the people and teaching them how to pray.

After several years, with the village 100 percent evangelized, the missionaries moved on to the next field to which God had called them. The Namuhton people continued fervently in prayer and became a spiritual oasis of miracles and signs and wonders to the surrounding people.

People from other villages would travel for days to reach the Namuhton people who would pray for the sick and cast out demons. The Namuhton people soon realized that they had moved beyond the status of mere earthen vessels to spiritual vehicles. The fame of their spirituality and powerful prayers grew rapidly and garnered the respect of untold people.

The Namuhton had learned to die to self and would devote themselves to unceasing prayer. In fact, for 7 years they maintained an unbroken prayer vigil. Members of the tribe would take turns interceding hour by hour, even throughout the cold nights and scorching days.

The whole village became one giant prayer chain. It was an awesome thing to behold. Over time, villagers found it increasingly difficult to find time to relate to one another or even eat together as families. They didn’t mind the sacrifice though. They knew they were doing the work of God!

Their king, Lau-tirips, taught them to shed their sinful humanity and transform themselves into supernatural beings through the power of prayer. It was even reported that a number of the villagers were actually translated like Enoch. They were able to step out of their humanity. What is more, a number of dead people were actually raised through the powerful prayers of these people. This made the king’s heart swell with joy. This village was indeed an unbreakable spiritual chain—all except for one link.

The king’s son, Mereh-trae, was always the weak link. He was a broken vessel, not a spiritual vehicle. This troubled the king’s heart greatly. Mereh-trae, at age 21, was just not serious. He would often play with the small children and listen intently as they would tell him stories. And he would do all of this carrying-on while other adults were busy about the Master’s business, in deep prayer. But some prayer warriors appreciated Mereh-trae because he made quite a babysitter.

Although the Namuhton village was an oasis next to the desert and blossomed with lush foliage that was fed through the underground springs that ran into the area, over the years many of the wells had become dry. Since the villagers had been in 7 years of revival, no one had time to dig any new wells. Mereh-trae had tried, but he could not dig deeply enough alone. His father and the other villagers would always tell him that God would provide as He always had.

Even though Mereh-trae wasn’t particularly spiritual, many villagers appreciated that he would go and draw water for them from the one remaining well and bring it to them while they were in deep prayer. At least he had some use, even if it wasn’t a spiritual one.

The king became increasingly indignant at his son when he eventually noticed that Mereh-trae would disappear from the village for 7-8 hours per night. “He has time to go out and partake in the things of this world for these many hours, but he cannot watch and pray with us for even an hour” thought the king.

Then it happened. Mereh-trae went missing for 3 days. “What is he doing now?” thought his father. But after a while, the king’s annoyance gave way to fatherly concern. Mereh-trae had never been gone this long! His father loved him very much and began to pray earnestly for his return. He did this for an entire day and night. Finally, Lau-tirips decide to assemble a team of prayer warriors to go out looking for his son.

The warriors set out early in the morning into the treacherous surrounding desert that separated their village’s oasis from the oasis of another village. The scorching heat from the Saharan sun leaned heavily upon their dark shoulders. They fanned out canvassing as much territory as possible.

“I have found him! Come quickly!” shouted one of the villagers in a frantic voice. The noonday sun made it impossible for the other villagers to see them. They could only follow the desperate echoes of the prayer warrior’s voice. Soon they came upon the warrior and Mereh-trae.

The king’s son lay withered under a desert bush. He was unconscious, but he was still breathing. The prayer warriors lifted him from the searing sands and ran with him on their backs to the Namuhton village. They lay him in the center of a chain of prayer warriors comprised of the entire village.

The collective voices of the king and his people shot up to heaven with the roar of a torrential thunderstorm. The people prayed with the tongues of angels as they commanded the spirit of death to loose its hold on Mereh-trae. The people prayed without ceasing all night. They cried out, “Are you not God? Are you not able to raise even the dead?”

Unlike other nights, this time even the small children—the ones who had so fondly loved Mereh-trae—stayed up until the dawn. Throughout the night they tugged at the robes of the adults, trying in vain to get their attention. But these prayer warriors would not be distracted from their spiritual mission.

As the morning sun’s light became more vibrant, Mereh-trae's fragile earthen life faded. At last, it was extinguished. The people wailed. Some continued to pray hoping to raise him from the dead as they had done so many times before.

One small boy, age six, continued to tug at the king’s robe as he had done the entire night. Overwhelmed and annoyed, the king swatted this frustrating fly. As his hand made contact with the small boy’s body, he heard the sound of pottery shattering. When the king’s gaze fell directly on the child, he noticed the dry ground quickly licking up the water that spilled from the broken vessel. The little boy’s eyes were flooded with tears.

“Why couldn’t we have just given him a drink?” questioned the sobbing child.

It was later learned that for the many day leading up to Mereh-trae’s death, he had been crossing the arid land to fetch water from the neighboring village because Namuhton’s last well had gone dry. He did this each day in order to provide for the needs of the prayer warriors. Only the children who had a relationship with Mereh-trae knew what he had been doing.

The next day, a new missionary—a physician—happened to come by the village. The king asked him to look at his dead son. The doctor reported that Mereh-trae had died of dehydration but would have lived if he had received water a few hours earlier. Sometimes, prayer is not enough.

*******

It is been a very long time since I last blogged. Honestly, I’ve had neither interest nor energy to do it. Recently, I have been reflecting on a number of thoughts that have made me want to jot them down somewhere just so that I could look at them and see if they make sense. Without sounding too spiritual, I want to say that I believe these are things God has shown me.

I also want to urge anyone who reads this post to NOT read too much into it. It is not aimed at anyone in particular, but the Church in general. Also, for the record, I am not angry, suicidal, or bitter. But I think that I am a little hurt—not by anyone necessarily—but by a pervasive attitude I see in the Church. Maybe I am just so blind that I cannot see my error? It could be that I am so lost and sinful that I want to harbor a lie. In any case, I want to flesh out some of my thoughts here.

The title of this entry—When Prayer is Not Enough—may evoke some passionate feelings in the religious establishment. To some, the very words sound blasphemous. To others, at the very least, they smack of faithlessness. To yet others, this is like saying that “God is not enough.” After all, to those people, prayer and God seem like interchangeable terms; prayer is God. And, of course, there are even others who will simply and politely think that such a statement issues from the mouth (or fingers) of a naïve child in the faith—someone inexperienced in either trials or revelations.

Do the words “Prayer is Not Enough” stir such feelings in you? If so, why?

I cannot answer that. I suspect that, at least to some, prayer has become a sacred idol. It has become an end within itself. It has become the pinnacle of spirituality. This is similar to people who worship the Bible. Bibliolatry is a real thing. To some, the Bible and God are synonymous; to suggest otherwise is blasphemy.

Whenever religion supplants relationship, white noise becomes a confusing cacophony that leads to misunderstanding. Let me illustrate.

For whatever reason, whenever I suggest to someone that God is bigger than the Bible, that person somehow “hears” me saying that the Bible is less than inspired. Immediately it is assumed that I have a low view of scripture. Likewise, whenever I suggest to someone that God is bigger than prayer, it is assumed that I have a low (and truly wrong) view of prayer. Neither could be further from the truth.

In my mind I see the Bible and prayer as components of a healthy spiritual life. I often liken it to a balanced diet. If you eat only one kind of food, or even primarily only one kind of food, you risk nutritional deficiencies. You can’t have all meat and no fruits or vegetables and remain healthy very long. At least this seems reasonable enough to me.

So, neither the Bible nor prayer is the sum of the meal. They are just important, necessary components. For example, a Bible devoid of the Spirit to lead us and guide us into all truth is inadequate. In fact, it might be downright dangerous. It can lead to distorted interpretations, religious cruelty, or just plain silliness. We need both the written word and the living Spirit.

Genuine, healthy spirituality has numerous components that go far beyond the themes of Bible, prayer, or Spirit. But in this post, I want to focus in on the inadequacy of prayer alone.

Yes, I said it. Prayer alone is inadequate!

But like all virtuous enterprises—especially those we highly esteem—it has potential to blind us. This RELIGIOUS IDEA about prayer can seduce us into an unhealthy preoccupation with one component of a robust spiritual life. It can entice us like chocolate cake (or insert your favorite nutrient-deficient dessert here) into making the dessert the main dish or the only dish in our spiritual meal. I know I know… those who venerate prayer will claim that it is the meat or main dish of true spirituality. I won’t argue with them.

I simply don’t have a ranking system for spiritual food components. I’m inclined to say that love is the main course, but I could be wrong. Nevertheless, all components are necessary (read NOT OPTIONAL) to a healthy spiritual diet.

And to tell the truth, I am probably deficient in all of these necessary components for a healthy spiritual life. With that in mind I am about to write some things that will, on the surface, look like I have a low view of prayer. Please do not “hear” me saying that.

In fact, let be very clear: Prayer, especially intercessory prayer and worship, are absolutely vital and are far too rare in the average Christian’s diet. Too often Christians live lives absent of prayer or their prayer lives are woefully deficient—me included! It is a sad spiritual epidemic.

Prayer changes things! It’s able to reach across continents and change the destinies of nations. Its power and effectiveness cannot be overstated and should never be underestimated or minimized. It is one of the most powerful weapons in the arsenal God has given us.

Still, prayer alone is insufficient, inadequate, deficient…not enough.

I often figure prayer as simply communication with God. It is paying attention to God as He pays attention to us. It is dialoging with God. It is more than all of this, but it is at least this. And when I picture prayer in relation to God (yes, it can be in relation to other things), I see it (admittedly inaccurately) as a vertical relationship. I say that because I see God as higher than us and analogically I picture a vertical—looking towards heaven, if you will—dialogue with Him. To be sure, God is with us and ever present. He is living inside us. He is imminent. Still, this vertical notion pervades my thinking.

How can prayer be in relation to other things? What do I mean by that?

I believe that we can pray on a horizontal level. We just don’t use the fancy word “prayer” here. We say things like “communicate,” “discuss,” “dialogue,” and “interact.” Whatever words we use, we instinctively know that it is a vehicle for cultivating relationship.

On a vertical level, prayer is cultivating a relationship with God. On a horizontal level, it is cultivating relationships with God’s creation. Both are indispensable.

Failure to do either is to rip the door of authentic spirituality or relationship off of its hinges. We can neither love God nor our fellow humans if we do not do both (cf., Matthew 12:28-33; Luke 10:27; 1 John 4:20-21). I will come back to those passages in a moment.

I almost titled this post “Death of the Good Samaritan.” In a moment you will see why. If you’ve managed to read this far that is. I know that this is an exceedingly long post. And, if I were smart, I would break it up into smaller bites so that it would be easier to swallow this spiritual meal I’m talking about. But I’m not breaking it up, and I’ll let that speak what it will about me.

I have noticed two extremes along this theme. On one end of the spectrum you have people (like some in traditional mainline churches) who have reduced spirituality to mere social justice. For too many of them, social activism and justice are the only components of a spiritual meal. On the other end, you have the hyper-spiritual who see prayer and miraculous intangibles as the sum of spirituality; they ignore the prophets and Jesus and a bunch of other guys who call for social justice, etc. And, it seems, that they believe you have to be one or the other, or favor one or the other. I hate that either/or proposition.

This post is focused on an attitude about prayer, not prayer itself. And it comes off as a negative. But I could have just as easily focused on an attitude about social justice and an unwillingness to embrace prayer and its supernatural components. What I’m trying to say is that I’m not picking on anyone or any particular group. I’m picking on an attitude—one that is imbalanced to the point that I think it literally kills people, or maybe it’s just too impotent to help the ones that are dying?

Anyway, I don’t want to pontificate any further. Let’s just look at several passages and I hope that the Holy Spirit continues to teach all of us, especially me since I’m sure I’m not seeing a lot here.

Consider these three passages:

Now one of the experts in the law came and heard them debating. When he saw that Jesus answered them well, he asked him, "Which commandment is the most important of all?" Jesus answered, "The most important is: 'Listen, Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.' The second is: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these." The expert in the law said to him, "That is true, Teacher; you are right to say that he is one, and there is no one else besides him. And to love him with all your heart, with all your mind, and with all your strength and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices." (Mar 12:28-33)

*******

Now an expert in religious law stood up to test Jesus, saying, "Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?" He said to him, "What is written in the law? How do you understand it?" The expert answered, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself." Jesus said to him, "You have answered correctly; do this, and you will live." But the expert, wanting to justify himself, said to Jesus, "And who is my neighbor?" Jesus replied, "A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell into the hands of robbers, who stripped him, beat him up, and went off, leaving him half dead. Now by chance a priest was going down that road, but when he saw the injured man he passed by on the other side. So too a Levite, when he came up to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan who was traveling came to where the injured man was, and when he saw him, he felt compassion for him. He went up to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring oil and wine on them. Then he put him on his own animal, brought him to an inn, and took care of him. The next day he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper, saying, 'Take care of him, and whatever else you spend, I will repay you when I come back this way.' Which of these three do you think became a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of the robbers?" The expert in religious law said, "The one who showed mercy to him." So Jesus said to him, "Go and do the same."(Luk 10:25-37)

*******

If anyone says "I love God" and yet hates his fellow Christian, he is a liar, because the one who does not love his fellow Christian whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And the commandment we have from him is this: that the one who loves God should love his fellow Christian too. (1Jo 4:20-21)

*******

Now, I think many of us know what these passages mean, so I don’t want to say too much about most of them. We know that loving God and our neighbors is a hinge; there is no “one or the other” as 1 John makes clear. It is both of these or nothing. (There’s an either/or for those who like it.) Anyway, the command to love is the highest spiritual thing we can do, at least as I see it.

What is interesting to me, and what I want to focus on is related to the Good Samaritan. Notice that when spiritual/religious people want to justify themselves, they often ask some strange questions, like, “Who is my neighbor?”

I have no doubt that these priests and experts in the law prayed a lot, tithed, and knew the scriptures. So when Jesus tells the parable about the Good Samaritan, I kind of believe that the priest and Levite he refers to both passed this man by and maybe even offered up a prayer for him as they made their way to their final destinations. They may have even prayed for him once they arrived. I don’t know. In any case, they were certainly trying to do what they thought was spiritual.

But Jesus makes it clear that what is truly spiritual is something that is practically natural: someone paid attention to this man’s humanity, his frailty, and actually was there to assist him. The Samaritan didn’t stop to pray for this man (although I wouldn’t be surprised if he did); he stopped to actually minister to him—something that exceeded prayer alone. Loving—in the way the Samaritan demonstrated—was more important and justifying than burnt offerings and sacrifices. Dare I say it? It was more important than sacrificial prayer alone.

This is because God wants us to relate to others (meaning Him and other humans) on both a vertical and horizontal level. The Incarnation argues that God wants and humans need both this vertical and horizontal relationship.

We need the prayer. We need the sacrifice. We need practical love demonstrated in tangible ways.

Haiti doesn’t just need your prayers. It needs your real demonstration of love. It needs both. So does the whole world. So do all people. I need people praying for me. But I don’t need people ONLY praying for me. I need people who are there for me both prayerfully and tangibly.

Sadly, at least on one extreme, the Good Samaritan is dead. Still, prayer alone is not enough. Maybe only a child can see this?

An Interesting Read

2009-05-03T20:06:00.001-04:00

I thought that some might find this interesting.

Self Reflection

2009-02-27T00:43:00.008-05:00

Love your neighbor as you love yourself. You can’t really love your neighbor unless you love yourself – at least this is what is popularly taught. I don’t believe that. As the years have gone by, I am astonished that I ever parroted such a notion. In fact, I believe it is impossible to love yourself unless you first love your neighbor. Sounds absurd? It certainly runs contrary to our popular, self-centered cultural mentality. It even flies in the face of what is popularly taught in the Church. Of course this is not really a revelation; the Church has hardly been immune to the infiltration and subsequent assimilation of pop-culture ideals, even the veneration of self.

But I don’t want this to sound merely religious or sermonic. I want to argue that deference to/for “the other” is the legitimate manifestation of true love for all people, even those who are not typically thought to be religious. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting that those people who have never encountered Christ have exactly the same capacity for emanating His love or fully understanding that love. How could they? Christians, for the most part, seem baffled by this antiquated notion of selflessness. Still, I want to suggest that all people were designed to receive, reflect, and release this thing called love from and to others.

Love should be understood as a fundamental nature that is “otherly-focused.” The whole world should embrace that notion, not just the Church. It should be an integral part of every relationship (romantic or platonic), every community and society, and every institution. The world would be better for it.

How can I argue that we should put others before ourselves? Is that even healthy? Don’t we run the risk of getting used or used up? How can we even truly love others until we love ourselves?

I think that Christians and people in general have been duped by the belief that love starts with the self. The truth is: the self doesn’t even start with the self. It begins as an awareness of others and develops as we imagine, interpret and internalize how we think others perceive us. This is called the concept of the looking-glass self. It can be summarized as follows:

We imagine how we must appear to others.
We imagine the judgment of that appearance.
We develop our self through the judgments of others.

This can be a shocking revelation when it is really reflected upon. It also becomes a considerable responsibility. In many ways, we really are our brothers’ and sisters’ keepers. Very often we sway the perceptions of others about themselves, whether for better or worse. People many times see themselves as they think we perceive them. And this process begins very early.

Babies begin to notice right away that their cries elicit a response in their environments. It would be difficult to know exactly when a baby realizes that it is a self, a distinct entity. But it is clear that at some point they are aware that they can affect the world around them and that there are other entities out there. In fact, this would be a good point at which to move back a step and underpin the idea of how we can even know we are a self.

The only way any entity could know that it has self is if that entity has something by which to objectify itself. I know that sounds very confusing, but let me explain. Suppose that you were the only entity in the universe. Nothing existed except for you. You are everything. How would you know that you existed? I mean, what would you compare yourself with? What would you contrast yourself against? How could you even know that you were an individual if there was nothing by which you could individualize yourself against? Does that make sense?

In other words, you couldn’t possibly know your self unless you knew that you stood in contrast to something else. You would simply just be. You could not be self-aware because you could not be aware of any other thing by which to objectify yourself as a self. I know all of this sounds confusing, but I promise that I will be leaving the esoteric stuff behind shortly.

Now for all of those theologically-minded folks who wonder how God could have self-consciousness and self-awareness if He existed before there was anything else, let me simply say this: the argument for a Triune God is strengthened considerably by understanding love as a selfless nature that is otherly-focused. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit have forever enjoyed this communal love fest. God has always been self-aware precisely because He has always lived in community. Each member of the Godhead has been eternally focused on the other in an infinite dynamic that we call love. This gives God self-awareness, the ability to create ex nihilo, and defeats any notion of dualism whereby the Creator’s existence or self-awareness is dependent upon the creation.

There still might be some scriptural questions about the meaning of the opening sentence. Let me address that by pointing to another scripture first. Romans 12:10 closely associates being devoted in brotherly love with showing preference and deference to “the other.” But if we love ourselves first and foremost, it seems that this passage would make little sense. When the Bible says to love our neighbors as we love ourselves, I think that the point it is trying to make is this: everyone one loves his or her self; this is a common (even fallen) human trait. We are innately selfish, so the passage is using a literary device to make a point. I don’t think it’s trying to create a strict, linear theological formula here. The point is that, just like we love ourselves (not that this comes first), we should also deeply love our neighbors. I think this is something that resonated loudly with those that heard it. They understood the point. They did not take it as some formula.

What is more, I believe that we best love ourselves by loving other people. When we love others, it transforms them and makes them better individuals. In return, these transformed people project better perceptions about us through which we in turn internalize and define ourselves. Also, by preferring others, by always putting the needs of others ahead of our own selfish desires, we make the world a better place. And this better place is one of the best ways we can show love for ourselves by virtue of it creating a better environment in which we can live. Could you imagine what would happen if everyone chose to put the interest of the other above his or her own interest? We would all share. Starvation would be virtually eliminated. Crime would cease.

Of course people could abuse this proposition. But those abusing it would be abusing it because they failed to put the other first; they failed to love. And in a situation like that, perhaps one of the most loving things a person could do is to not enable this self-destructive behavior. This caveat guards against someone allowing another to abuse him or her. There must be a balance between longsuffering love that is willing to sacrifice and wisdom that will not allow an abuser to abuse his or her self by abusing others.

Now I am not so naïve as to believe that this can occur apart from the grace of God. I also don’t believe that it will happen in this system we call the World. It will happen when God’s redemption in Christ if fully realized, when we see Him and we are like He is. Still, this is an ideal for which we must all strive, regardless of how ultimately obtainable it will be in this lifetime.

Let me leave the above discussion behind for now. A lot more could be said to make the point, but that is well beyond the scope of what I am trying to do. Really, what I wanted to achieve in laying that earlier groundwork is simply this: I want us on the same page when I explain some things I am feeling.

*******

I am a very selfish person. The longer I live, the more I am aware of this shameful fact. I’d like to think that I am fairly selfless, that I am only self-concerned (a good thing) without being self-centered. But that is just not the case. Despite my knowledge of this, I still try to live my life in a way that is otherly-focused. Unfortunately, one of the things I “love” the most is tainted with a very distinct selfishness. I actually prefer holding on to this “love” rather than relinquishing it and suffering the loss.

Sure I could find many good reasons for holding on to it. I know that there are many benefits in my being involved with it. Yet, ultimately, I know in my heart that regardless of how many benefits I can enumerate, at the root of it there is a selfishness that cannot be ignored. Shame and pain do not allow me to fix my eyes on it directly. The prospect of loss and the vacuous feeling tearing at the hub of my heart cause me to defer dealing with it rather than show loving deference to “the others” I am hurting, not the least of which is God. And I am certainly not truly loving myself. If I were, I would not be hurting those I love so much. Their painful perceptions of me only reinforce a negative sense of self in me.

I know that the “Other” I should be focused on is Jesus. When we are fully focused on this Other, and when we rightly interpret His perception of us – His utter love for us – we are transformed and our self-perception changes for the better. Our true self begins to materialize, a reflection of the One who brought us into being.

But right now I cannot stand uprightly to peer directly into his eyes. Instead, sin and selfishness have me bowed over like an old man suffering from osteoporosis, only able to stare at myself. In fact, I began the unnatural curvature long ago when I refused to take my eyes off of myself. As time moves forward, my stature moves downward.

Christianne’s recent post has brought some light and liberation to my dismal state though. I cannot say that I can gaze on Him yet, certainly not eye-to-eye. But I am more likely to take a fleeting glance because I am more aware of His patience. And this loving revelation was received by simply being otherly-focused long enough to read an-other’s description of a similar journey.

We need each other. We need each other in order to know our selves, in order to help our selves. We need each other in order to love our selves. But we must first love others and the Other so that we can experience this love for ourselves.

The Pursuit of Happiness

2008-08-03T14:11:00.005-04:00

What would you give . . . what would you forsake to be happy? Many ancient Greek philosophers thought that this pursuit was the motivating factor in life.

I’ve heard Christians differentiate the terms happiness and joy. To split definitional hairs, it seems that happiness is determined or affected by circumstances or happenstance. The root hap means chance or fortune. In contrast, it’s been suggested, joy is an internal quality that is unencumbered and unimpeded by the situations in which we find ourselves.

I think there may be some truth to that. Still, possessing this joy and experiencing it consistently seems challenging. I know there is a place in Christ from which this joy flows; I’ve experienced it at various times in my life. It would appear, then, that joy should be the preferred pursuit over happiness. But is joy something that you pursue, or is it something that is simply received and experienced by resting in Christ?

Maybe I’m waxing philosophical because I so often feel so little joy these days? If joy is not pursuable, then I guess my quest is for happiness – at least until joy manifests itself. Am I compromising and settling by taking this tack? I don’t know. Probably.

What is disconcerting is that, if my sense of contentment (yet another semantic conundrum?) is merely a condition of my circumstances or environment, I risk a lot of angst and sadness. Is something so transient worth the risk? How much should I invest in such a fugacious state of being?

I suppose the ancient Greeks had inextricably linked fate with happiness so that, despite the deterministic fatalism, there was a sense of comfort in the notion that happiness was not really so haphazard. This seems contradictory to me, but it does give the illusion of comfort – unless, of course, you were fated to tragedy.

I feel like I am willing to give a lot for happiness, although I’m not sure how much I have to give. I am also willing to forsake a lot of things for this experience, but I wonder how much this will be appreciated.

The absence of joy and happiness provides quite an impetus to pursue something other than your current condition. I am not sure that this is the motivating factor in life, but it is certainly a motivating element. But is this propellant destined for disaster and multiplied despair?

6 Random Things About Me

2008-05-18T09:29:00.003-04:00

My friend Christianne tagged me with a meme that asks that I tell 6 random things about myself that most people don’t know. Here is my list:

1. I used to suck my thumb like Christianne. We won’t discuss for how long though.

2. When I was about eight, I found an abandoned duck egg in my grandparent’s hay loft. I noticed that it was surrounded by remnants of hatched egg shells. I also noticed that there was a small crack in the egg. So I peeled back a little shell and saw a wet duckling curled up in there. I fell asleep next to the egg in the warm straw. When I awakened, there was a fluffy little duckling pressed up under my chin. It thought I was its parent. I was amazed.

3. I ate this divine cheese on a flight to Italy one year via Air Dolomiti. I wished I had saved the wrapper because I have never tasted a cheese that wonderful since. And for the life of me, I can’t uncover what variety it was. If any of you have a guess, please, for the love of all that is good and holy, let me know.

4. The year my fourth-grade teacher retired (my favorite teacher of all time, by the way), I led a student conspiracy to throw her a party. We broke into the kindergarten classroom during recesses and pilfered a bunch of supplies to make her a huge banner and other things. My grandmother had helped me bake her a cake the night before. It was a sophisticated plot that astonished a couple of teachers that eventually caught us that day. They were so taken aback that they helped carry out our little scheme. We had party materials and everything. They tricked her into coming to the cafeteria where my whole fourth-grade class pounced on her with the surprise. She sobbed uncontrollably. She still has the banner hanging above her fireplace mantle.

5. I used to climb trees – any and all trees – without regard to life or limb (mine or the tree’s). I would often lock my legs between limbs and hang upside down for the thrill of it. I was a fearless/stupid kid.

6. I am completely enamored by music. It used to consume a large portion of my life. And I will often be singing a song in my head while I’m doing a number of other things, including holding a conversation with someone who is completely unaware of what is going on. Is that rude?

I tag Clayton, Andrea, Terri, Dave, and Shriyaa.

You Taunt Me . . . You Haunt Me . . .

2008-04-20T03:13:00.001-04:00

I smelled your skin today

And it carried me away

To a time when you were mine

And all we did was play

I heard your voice just now

And I’m wondering just how

It still sings to those parts

The ones I disallow

I feel your touch always

It caresses and it sways

My soul into a dream

My heart into a maze

I see your face through tears

My strength just disappears

My will just falls apart

My vision never clears

I taste your lips they tickle

And cut just like a sickle

My seeping veins in two

My pulse slows to a trickle

Paralysis Reprise

2008-04-17T03:47:00.004-04:00

I am unable to write anything. I feel entombed in invectives that stem from an angst I could only hint at here and here.

Why do I feel like my soul is being emptied? Why can’t I just get over this?

Hopeless, nothing, meaningless life

Beat on an anvil, gripped in a vice

Education Update

2008-04-03T14:29:00.004-04:00

Two people very close to my heart – Andrea and Clayton – have been accepted into graduate school. I just wanted to publicly say CONGRATULATIONS!

I love both of them dearly, and I look forward to seeing what God does with their lives in the next phase of their journeys.

P.S. I ran across a youtube clip of Clayton singing "I Won't Complain" here. It’s worth a click 'n view. :)

Not-So-Good Friday

2008-04-01T01:05:00.002-04:00

I have been struggling with whether or not I should blog about something that happened on Good Friday. I guess my writing now indicates my decision.

I have been away from my little blogging community for a while, and believe me, I miss all of you sorely. But, I’ve been busy with a lot of personal things, and I’ve been in and out of state. A LOT HAS BEEN GOING ON!

I haven’t been feeling all that well, and quite frankly, I have just felt too blasé about life in general to eek out enough gumption to say much. I am very sorry for being so unavailable. I will be trying to catch up with each of you this week. I know I’m back-logged with posts to read. And I love reading them, so it won’t be all that hard.

Back to my story. This past Good Friday was a day that will be forever seared in my mind. And in deference to the truth, it was not at all good. It was, however, a little liberating, and I was able to release some things that have tormented me for some time.

I met with a pastor and a female friend of mine that day. The reason for the meeting was to clear up a matter of gossip. I had asked the pastor to arrange the meeting so that I could get to the bottom of three months worth of badmouthing I had experienced from this lady.

I am a very direct person when it comes to certain things. Gossip would be one of those things. I’ve seen it destroy countless lives. And this lady, both a church leader and friend, should know better. I know I am probably being judgmental.

I’ve got to confess that I was seething before the meeting ever began. It went pretty smoothly – as smoothly as meetings of this variety could go – for the first hour. Then it happened. I descended into this base carnality. She said three things in sequence (apparently pulling them from an alternate universe) that set me off. It was hard enough to stay calm when she had been proclaiming one particular lie as the truth throughout the meeting, no matter how many times I politely gave her opportunity to clarify.

But, she (or the devil) knew exactly what three things to say in order to elicit a reaction from me. And react I did. I was so evil. I will not repeat here the things I said in the church that day. I am too ashamed. But suffice to say that I just unloaded on this woman, a so-called friend of mine (and I’m not being fair because she really has been a friend to me). It was as if a volcano was erupting and I couldn’t shut it off. I was so sick of the hypocrisy, the lies, and the smug smirk on her face as she doled out religious justification for her nonsense.

I have been trying to be patient with this lady for years. And I won’t go into the circumstances, because that doesn’t excuse my malefic reaction. I said some horrendous things – purposely hurtful things. I did that because I knew they would hurt her, and I wanted her to feel the same sting that I was feeling by what she had done. So many things came out of my mouth that I really didn’t mean. But that wasn’t the point. My intent was to maim. And that’s precisely what I did.

The only redeeming thing that came out of that meeting was that God showed me this dross still dwelling so deeply within me. I am very aware that I am a far cry from being a picturesque Christian (whatever that is), but the things I spewed from my mouth that day gave me a greater glimpse of just how far I am away from being what God wants me to be. I was so immature and just plain mean.

I have been tormented by Black Friday ever since that meeting. I feel sick in my stomach that I was so cruel. I sent an email the next day and apologized for the mean things I said and asked her to forgive me, but I was still angry, and that letter certainly conveyed that. I was trying to be real: I just told her that God was trying to help me get to a place where I could completely forgive all of the things she had done.

Still, I feel disgusting. I feel uneasy. I feel immature and cruel. This haunts me. I wish I could fix things, but I really believe the friendship is irretrievably damaged. I counted this woman – with all of her merits and demerits – a friend. And the loss of the friendship brings a lot of pain. I truly believe that I was completely unable to cope with anymore religious pretense used to disguise selfish, vindictive attacks – especially when it comes from the mouth of a friend. Betrayal of this magnitude is beyond what I can deal with right now.

I feel like a low life. That’s probably because I behaved as one. I want to say I will just turn it all over to God . . . and I know I have to do that. But this is really not that easy. Done venting.

And A Light Comes On

2008-02-15T18:00:00.004-05:00

A light came on early this morning – not in the way you might expect. It was around 5 a.m. when I began reading. As many of you know, I haven’t really read/finished a book since 2006. A few days ago, I went out and purchased Seeing is Believing – Experience Jesus through Imaginative Prayer by Greg Boyd. I’ve referred to him on occasion because he is one of my favorite authors. I’ve read most of his works. In fact, it is because of my interest in his ministry that I have connected with so many of you.

It was pitch dark outside as I began reading. To make matters worse, the lighting in the living room was terrible. Last month the bulb in the ceiling fixture went out. My roommate added a low-watt bulb; for whatever reason, he didn’t take the old one down. He just left it in the other socket. Well, that is a little annoying, as I am kind of picky about things like that. Still, I didn’t want to get a chair; reach up and unscrew the light fixture; remove the defective bulb; only to throw it away and replace the fixture, so I left it alone. We try to conserve on power, being good environmental stewards. But I’ve got to admit, this new bulb was extraordinarily dim and equally vexing.

As I lay on the couch, I struggled to read the text in those shadowy surroundings. What I was reading was really good, but I found myself getting increasingly irritated as I was trying to focus on some things I found particularly important. I said to myself, “I really wish there was more light so I could see better.” Within milliseconds of my having “said” that, the old bulb – the one that has not lit up in over a month – suddenly kicked in and cast its radiant beams all over the room. The whole room shone with white brilliance. That, in and of itself, is miraculous to me.

But what I want to share with you is the passage I was reading when this illuminating event occurred. “The Father does nothing less than place the believer ‘in Christ Jesus’ (Rom. 8:1; 1 Cor. 1:30; 2 Cor. 5:17; Gal. 3:28; Eph. 1:3). If we understand what this entails, we’ll see that there is in truth nothing greater God the Father could ever do for us than what he has already done for us by placing us in Christ” (27; emphasis mine).

This early section of the book takes up the theme of who we actually are in Jesus Christ. I have “preached” this topic to others for years. I know it is important to understand and realize these in-Christ realities. But what happened this morning has challenged me to revisit this truth. The above-italicized words are something I know God has spoken afresh to me. He wants me to chew on these things like cuds. God literally elucidated these words as I read them. The light literally came on in both the room and in my head.

I will not pretend to know the fullness of what God is trying to teach me here. I could wax long on the many things I think I know about these words. But I realize in my heart, whatever I know, it is deficient. Right now, the only thing I can do is ruminate on these things until God gives me a revelation. I need to contemplate them. Somehow, I know this is what God wants me to do. He literally had to flip the light on so that I would not miss this. He is marvelously gracious.

Keep praying for me.

Of Memes and Knownos

2008-02-07T01:51:00.002-05:00

Meme. Now where have I heard that term? Richard Dawkins! Now how did he end up in our little blogosphere? When I first read Christianne’s email, I knew that word sounded familiar, but it didn’t ring a bell because I was thinking in blog terms. Although Dawkins is obviously brilliant, I can’t say that I’m a big fan of his – for a number of reasons. But that’s not the point of all this, now is it? (I’m just mad at Dawkins because following these 1-2-3 directions is gonna make me look like a complete nerd. In my defense, I have not finished this book yet.) I would’ve rather talked about the “knowno” in reference to the ontological argument, than do a “meme.” But that’s another blog I suppose, and well, I don’t always get my way. Guess I gotta follow the rules? By the way, Di, I took that little test about my will-power disposition. Ummm . . . don’t ask.

On to the matter at hand. The book that was sitting closest to me as I read Christianne’s email and blog was Jay Richards’ The Untamed God. The fifth sentence reads, “Thomist scholars have vociferously denied that theirs is a view of God and creation commonly participating in a third reality, being.”

At this point you’re riveted right?

It gets better.

I guess the next three lines are what I’m really supposed to be putting up, huh? Richards continues, “An investigation of Thomas’s Summa Theologica justifies their complaint. Thomas’s view is essentially that of Quenstedt’s, whereby all things that have being derive it from the primary being of God. God is the basis of all being.”

Does everyone feel as edified as I do? Gotcha sitting on the edge of your seats, huh?

I’m being unkind and unfair to Richards. It is and interesting book, but reading it is like swimming in molasses. It might be sweet, but it is exceedingly sticky and thick.

I might do better on the next meme category. But that will take more time for me to consider and write about. Let me just post the 1-2-3 meme for now.

Christianne, I really like Chaim Potok’s work. Also, I’ve been wanting to check out Blue Like Jazz. (But I will put that up for question #9; let me not get ahead of myself.)

Almost forgot. I tag:

Downy Smells Like Love

2008-01-25T06:23:00.005-05:00

She was up late. She always stayed up late. I suppose this was normal for a grandmother trying to keep up with caring for her five rambunctious grandchildren (three more would soon follow). My two brothers, two sisters and I were quite a handful. None of us older than five, we had boundless energy that would’ve probably exhausted women a third my grandmother’s age. I, at four years old, was easily the most kinetic. This might help explain why I never slept like normal kids. I would always stay up later than my siblings and watch Mammaw. She was the only other person up at this late hour. Pappaw went to bed and got up with the chickens.

Mammaw & Pappaw’s (this is what we called their home) was situated in rural Indiana, past a lot of cornfields and on an elevated patch of land that I would call a hill, except that it stretched out in a fairly flat manner for some distance before the ground would dimple. These 110 acres were well wooded with a variety of deciduous trees that would blush the landscape in autumn. Creeks were etched into the countryside and came in an assortment of shapes and sizes; the largest one we affectionately named Big Papa Creek. The pristine waters provided playful and refreshing relief during the sweltering summers. Mammaw & Pappaw’s, with all the farm animals and nature, was a wide-eyed little kid’s wonderland that stood in stark contrast to the city life in which we were too often left alone. And I liked contrast.

I had a special bond with Mammaw. Maybe it was because I kept vigil with her as she worked late at night? The country life was no easy existence. Age and hard labor had weathered Mammaw’s skin. It was soft and thin like most elderly people and lay loosely over a very solid frame. I would try to smooth the wrinkles from the supple skin on her arms and hands. Laying my cheek against it, I imagined it was my pillow. Her skin’s soft texture was contradicted by her Puritan work ethic and imposing physical strength, both necessitated by the times and place in which she lived.

There was always work to be done and never enough time in the day to do it all. That’s why Mammaw borrowed time from the night. Mostly, she would wash things at night. Dishes. Floors. Laundry. Laundry . . . was my favorite.

Mammaw washed using an antique wringer washer. It wasn’t an antique when she bought it, but like her, it had aged gracefully and was still up to the task; she saw no reason to abandon its usefulness just yet. The washer and dryer were located in an old house adjacent to the one we all lived in. This house had been there since before they had purchased the property. Made completely of wood, it sat on a foundation of blocks and smelled like a log cabin. My grandparents never tore it down, but instead chose to make use of it as a giant storage unit where they kept the deep freezers that preserved the many fruits and vegetable they grew, and the meat which they butchered yearly. It was also the perfect home for the washer and dryer because it was just several yards from the backdoor, down the walkway.

I used to follow Mammaw out there late at night to keep her company. I would watch her meticulously and methodically go through her routine of checking the pockets, turning the clothes inside out, and stamping them down into the running machine with a clean wooden stick that had been rendered rather pallid from its years of duty in detergent and bleach. I would gaze as she would literally run these garment through the wringer, being ever-so-careful not to catch her fingers between its crushing rollers. She would never let me stand too close because she worried that I would “lose a finger.”

She would transfer the clothing to these large stainless steel tubs of rinse water to which she would add Downy fabric softener. I loved Downy! Mammaw said it smelled April fresh. But to me it smelled like love.

After the clothes had soaked for a while, she’d run them through the wringer again. Then she’d put them in the dryer and start the cycle. This was my favorite part. The dryer exhaust blew through an aluminum conduit that ran through the old house wall and protruded out from the building about two feet. I would run outside and pull this heavy metal lawn chair—rust-freckled, covered with flaking red paint—around the old house and position it right in front of the dryer exhaust. I would sit there and let the warm air wash over me, caressing me in the scent of Downy. The steady hum of the dryer would sing me to sleep. I especially loved it when the night was cold because the warm dryer air would create a contrast that would raise goosebumps on my skin. I loved contrasts.

After she had finished the laundry for the night, which was usually around 3 a.m., she would softly pick me up out of the chair so as not to wake me. But I always knew she was doing it; I just never told her. I wanted her to carry me into the house and put me to bed. I loved the closeness. And the best part came when she tenderly laid me in the bed and covered me up. She did this by tossing the blanket into the air and letting it gently glide down. As I peered through my eyelashes, it seemed like an angel’s feather floating down on me. This action would generate a mystical breeze as it came to alight upon me. Wafts of clean air scented with Downy would effortlessly fill my nostrils. Mammaw would tuck me in carefully. Downy smelled like love.

One particularly cold winter night, I caused quite a commotion. Departing from my normal routine, I had fallen asleep before Mammaw started the laundry. She had just placed the last load in the dryer and had come into the house to watch the news. I awakened and slipped out the back door to see if she was in the old house washing. But before I left, I grabbed the feather bed and dragged it out the door with me. I never understood why they called it a feather bed and not a feather cover. It was roughly the dimensions of a sleeping bag but was lined with feathers. My young mind didn’t understand the terminology, but I knew it was exceptionally warm, so it was going with me.

It was really dark that night. With no street lamps for at least 20 miles, the only illumination came from the pale Midwestern moon as it cast a soft warm hue over our snow-covered backyard. Down the walkway I went, and since the lawn chair was already in position and had been preheated by the sweet-smelling dryer exhaust, I bypassed going into the old house to look for Mammaw and just crawled up into the chair, cocooning myself in the feather bed. In no time, I had been rocked fast asleep by the dryer’s lullaby.

Tranquility would give way to turmoil as my panicked grandmother discovered I was missing from my bed. She upended the house in her frantic search for me. She was sure I had frozen to death as she came hysterically running out the backdoor. Snow had speckled my sleeping head, but I was snug and secure beneath the warm down-filled blanket. Like always, she gently carried me into the house, this time with tears flowing down her high cheek bones. And just like always, I feigned sleep so she would nuzzle me in the Downy-scented covers on my bed.

I miss the country. I now live in a quiet residential area somewhere in suburbia. Often, I take walks late at night; I especially like them when it is cold out (I love contrasts). As I make my way up the empty streets of my dimly-lit neighborhood, every once in a while I will catch a waft of Downy coming from someone’s dryer exhaust. The smell is unmistakable. As I pause and my eyes close, I inhale deeply. For a fleeting moment, I am enraptured by Mammaw’s warm ethereal embrace. I don’t know if love has a scent. But for me, Downy smells like love.

The Balaam Syndrome

2008-01-20T01:39:00.002-05:00

If you send in your love offering of $100, then we will send you this “free” gift, a packet of mustard seeds. If you plant them in this special soil from the Holy Land (yours free with your $125 love offering), then they will produce a glorious plant that will bear miraculous fruit. If you give $200 dollars, then we will provide you with a personal prophecy that you can speak over your mustard seeds that will ensure that they grow both faster and taller (cause we know you’re in a hurry and need results now).

We now have the opportunity to buy free things from ministries that will change our lives, heal us, make us rich, and save our loved ones. After all, it is God’s will that we all be billionaires living extravagant lives in excess. If you are not walking in such divine prosperity, then, obviously, something is wrong with your spirituality, your faith, well . . . you.

The Balaam Syndrome is an increasingly common blight plaguing the contemporary Church. Material wealth is now proudly worn as a badge confirming one’s “genuine” spirituality and faith. If you don’t own one of these badges yet, don’t fret. You can purchase a free prophecy that will, eventually, if you keep giving and believing, impart one to you. Then, you can be part of this elite spiritual club – well, if you really believe.

Something is strangely amiss here. To be sure, the Bible has a lot to say about giving and finances; there’s no argument there. Christians should be taught what the Bible has to say about such matters. There is a lot of wisdom there to be gleaned. But where does the Bible establish wealth as the deciding gauge of someone’s spirituality?

It seems that if material wealth necessarily indicates one’s piety and commitment to Christ, then Bill Gates would be America’s most faithful pastor and we’d all be worshipping weekly at our local Wal-Mart SuperCenters. Come to think of it, maybe he is, and maybe we do?

But I’m not completely convinced yet. I mean that I’m not so sure that I can say Chinese Christians, faithfully living under religious persecution, and earning around $40 per week for working exceedingly long hours, are somehow less spiritually adept than wealthy American Christians. Well, maybe they don’t pray enough? Or maybe they don’t believe strongly enough? Or maybe they just aren’t “true” believers?

Surely, it could have nothing to do with the economic climate of America versus China. I mean, if a true American Christian had been born in China, surely he or she would be wealthy by now. Right?

Wealth and health doctrine, because it is often accompanied by power and popularity, can be an extremely enticing message. Who doesn’t want to be healthy and wealthy? And by the way, I believe in divine healing and in the notion God wants us to prosper (although I detest that so many construe this in only materialistic terms). And what can even be more enticing is that genuine spiritual gifts are often prostituted for financial gain. Gifted pastors, prophets and teachers misuse their gifts to gain money, power and popularity. Well-meaning, but misled followers recklessly throw their sparse finances at these dazzling displays of signs and wonders. Again, I am not speaking against generosity, miracles, signs & wonders, or spiritual gifts; I’m speaking against their abuse.

The rub comes in when people naively equate spiritual gifts with spiritual character. It is just as erroneous as equating material wealth and genuine faith. People, then, blindly follow these “spectacular” ministers and buy into a lie because they believe that gifts and money is God’s stamp of approval on these prophetic peddlers.

This is the Balaam Syndrome – merchandising ministry. The Bible uses Balaam to illustrate this deceptive doctrine in reference to false teachers:

“By abandoning the straight path, they have gone astray and have followed the path of Balaam, the son of Bosor, who loved the wages of unrighteousness . . . Woe to them! For they have traveled in the way of Cain, have abandoned themselves to the error of Balaam for profit, and have perished in Korah's rebellion” ( 2 Pet 2:15; Jude 11).

Balaam had pimped out his gifts to the highest bidder (see Num 22-31). Because of his “spectacular ministry,” people were willing to pay him for his services. The Moabite king, Balak, had hired Balaam to curse the children of Israel. Of course, it backfired. But the lesson is obvious. People, even kings, are often attracted to gifted people because of greed and power. And too often these gifted individuals are willing to prostitute their gifts because of the love of money. Money is simply appealing and motivating.

Paul said we should be nothing like those kinds of people. “For we are not like so many others, hucksters who peddle the word of God for profit, but we are speaking in Christ before God as persons of sincerity, as persons sent from God” (2 Cor 2:17). He goes on to warn that “those who want to be rich fall into temptation, a trap, and many foolish and harmful desires, which plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil, and by craving it, some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pains” (1 Tim 6:9-10).

This inordinate fascination with money and material prosperity is leading many astray, displacing the (one, genuine) faith. It appeals to our fallen nature, our greed. And because it is sweetened with cleverly-skewed Scripture, it becomes an easy poison to swallow.

Please hear me. I am NOT saying that God wants us impoverished or sick, nor am I suggesting the Bible has nothing good to say about giving, sharing, financial prudence, or miracles. I am simply saying that contemporary Christianity – particularly the American flavor – has become so enamored and misled by materialism dressed up in spiritual garb, that it has become detrimental and something entirely different than what is described as godly in the Bible.

A lot more could be said regarding this important subject. For further reading I suggest Merchandising The Anointing by Rick Renner and Thus Saith the Lord? by John Bevere.* I want to thank my dear friend Tammy for being bold enough to bring it into our little blogosphere; she inspired this tirade (er, I mean discussion).

Material prosperity should never be the gauge by which we measure someone’s Christian walk. Selling what God has freely given should never be named among God’s people. Money should never be put forth as the panacea for all problems. Enough said.

*It should be noted that by listing these books as suggested reading, I am in no way categorically endorsing everything they teach. I do think there are elements in them that would be informative though. There are some things in them with which I would take exception, however.

Enigma

2008-01-16T05:34:00.002-05:00

Enveloped in enigma. I didn’t want it to happen like that. But it did anyway. Pages from my life’s story were ripped from my hands, and I was powerless to do anything about it. And with these pages went my face. What remains is but an apparition, an amorphous visage, of what was once a clarion countenance.

I could lay out my story, in part, from faint memories that haunt me with their persistent pleas for recognition, for some validation of their now trivial existence. But others have re-written my story for me. They said it was too dangerous to affirm what was once manifest, but now carefully camouflaged. With the avulsion of my face, a new one was crafted with the same surgical skill used to remove the former image.

And they took my voice too. It wasn’t enough to simply supplant the superficial. No, they had to delve deeper and smother every vestige of vocal tone I could call my own. I must be muted. No longer could I be me. I had to live a new life – their life.

Over my barren soul they layered papier-mâché, a convincing construct, whose only truth is that it is wholly a lie. “But this is the price of your freedom” they muttered. But why does it have to cost so much? Why can’t this scandalous truth be embraced by the light? Is it still too treacherous? And whose life plummets for your preservation? Mine, if there still is a “mine.”

Everything that was me they laid waste to with calculated cunning. The scattered shards of my soul puncture and bleed my callous feet as I try to stagger away from the life that was once my own. I must bury me. They have provided the casket and will surround it with soil if I will but lay myself into their sepulchral solution. Solution? For whom?

Content with my extinguished existence, they celebrate their triumph over my troubles. They congratulate themselves on delivering their duty, my erasure. “Another case solved. Another tragedy averted” they exclaim. But it is I who starts over. They just continue, lives uninterrupted and unencumbered.

Casually they comment, “You have done the right thing by preserving justice and bearing bravery.” My consolation is isolation, my reward reinvention. But I find no comfort in this novel, lonely life – no reward in starting anew by denying my distorted history.

I was once. Really I was. I am not now. Really I am not. An amorphous façade, enigmatic by necessity, not nature. A fictitious face, forced by fortune, not by fidelity.

Do You Feel Me?

2008-01-08T17:34:00.002-05:00

“Do you feel me?” I’ve always had some strange attraction towards words – especially the hidden meaning behind them. It’s rarely been enough for me to just let them hang in the air without reflection or analysis. Do you feel me? is no exception. Why do people say that? Why do I say that? Why not just ask, “Do you understand what I mean?”

Today’s blog has been inspired by some new friends I made today: Terri, Di, Christianne, and Chloe. That’s four, count ‘em 4!, friends in twenty-four hours. That’s gotta be some kind of record. Uncovering these new friends has helped me better understand that question about Do you feel me? in a way that I don’t think could’ve been done otherwise. [By the way, Hi guys. (Hope I can call you ‘guys’ cause it’s kosher where I grew up). Thanks for all of the kind words; they helped.]

People want to be more than understood; they want to be felt. There is some legitimate nuance of meaning here. It might be best understood by contrasting the subtle differences between sympathy and empathy. For me, sympathy means you can visualize with great intensity the feelings and experiences of another; empathy means you have actually experienced and shared the feelings and experiences of another. It’s the difference between watching on television an exhausted Olympic marathoner desperately throw herself across the finish line, completely exsanguinated of energy, and actually running one yourself and having to care for your blistered feet and tattered carcass afterwards. On paper the definitions seem subtle, but in real life, they are painfully palpable.

A person who really feels you literally shares your pathos, those intensely deep feelings that encompass our joys and pains; our losses and gains; our ups and downs; our smiles and frowns. A person who feels you is also one who shares your passions – whether that be reading, writing, music or teaching. It could be the passion you feel when you warmly embrace your child or the passion you feel when you are tightly held by your significant other. If it is shared, it’s called compassion. Compassion literally means to share passion!

I think we all desire this kind of shared intimacy: empathy and compassion. We unconsciously seek it out, and we do so desperately when we feel alone and disheartened. Maybe that’s how I met my new friends? I wanted someone to feel me. And from what I read on their blogs, I felt that they might just have that capacity.

Can I get Biblical for a minute? I don’t do it much anymore because I feel so distant from God, but I’d like to give it a whirl for just a minute. Do you know why I’m a Christian (albeit backslidden)? I know there are a number of reasons I could give, but at the top of the list would be that God can feel me and I can touch Him. And that is only possible because of the Person of Jesus Christ.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tested in every way as we are, yet without sin” (Heb 4:15). Jesus is that High Priest. The Greek word sumpatheo is translated sympathize but carries the force of empathize. It is a shared, fellow feeling. It is because Jesus can genuinely feel my pains and temptations that I am a Christian. A God that is so ethereal that He cannot touch me, nor be touched by me, offers little practical help or hope to me. I could find a deity like that in a number of other religions. Yes, an ethereal, impassible God like that might look good on theological/philosophical paper, but when life is painfully palpable, that “perfection” (if it could be construed that way) is utterly alienating, completely irrelevant, and almost certainly unconcerned with my needs. Doesn’t sound very loving, does it?

But God’s not like that. We know this because Jesus, God in flesh, is as palpable as the pain we experience. He, Himself, experienced this pain. He ran the marathon, and He felt the agonies of temptations and rejections, yet without sinning. Why do we create such an artificial ceiling between us and God? To be sure, God is holy and transcendent, and we have to be careful that we don’t, in self-deceptive pride, diminish His greatness, perfection and holiness in our minds (I think this is what Barth feared and reacted to accordingly). But if God was ever impassible, then Jesus Christ punctured holes into His floor/our ceiling of impassibility by becoming human. God can now be touched! In fact, it is the man, Christ Jesus who is continually making intercession on our behalf, precisely because He is so intimately acquainted with our pathos and shares our pains and passions. “For there is one God and one mediator between God and man, a man, Christ Jesus . . . Therefore He is always able to save those who come to God through Him, since He always lives to intercede for them” (1 Tim 2:5; Heb 7:25).

And did I mention He is full compassion? And because He shares our passions, it moves Him to do many things – intercession and healing to name just a couple. Somehow we have created this rigid, emotionless God completely devoid of compassion. He never really responds to anything. He is just pure action; a self-absorbed unmoved mover. And if per chance He does respond, it is only because of faith or some other manipulative “blessing lever” we can pull. But that is not how the Bible depicts God, certainly not in the Person of Jesus. “Moved with compassion, Jesus touched their eyes. Immediately they could see, and they followed Him” (Matt 20:34). And there are other examples where Jesus did something, not because of anyone’s faith (although He certainly responds to that as well), but because He is compassionate. God is more concerned with compassion than any religious levers we can pull. "But go and learn what this means: 'I DESIRE COMPASSION, AND NOT SACRIFICE,' for I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners . . . But if you had known what this means, 'I DESIRE COMPASSION, AND NOT A SACRIFICE,' you would not have condemned the innocent” (Matt 9:13; 12:7). You could literally go on ad nauseum with Biblical examples of compassion. Just do a simple word search.

There’s something to this empathy and compassion thing. Old Testament prophets were able to tap into the pathos of the people through poetry, orations and other writings. They even illustrated these things by acting them out in dramatic ways at times. They did this because they wanted to correct social injustices and inequities, and because they knew that things like poetry and music can connect with people in a way that mere speech making cannot. The arts are many times subversive (literally, below the word). It is a way of injecting deep feeling into the hearts of people who otherwise would not receive anything. Today, music is a good example of this. It taps into our pathos. It moves our passions. And our passions move us. And when we share those passions – have compassion – a dynamic, potent force is generated that brings transformation. On a vertical dimension, we have that in Jesus. We have it in the Holy Spirit as He comes along side us and shares our burdens as the Parakletos. And on a horizontal plane, we have that in each other, as members of the same Body and through our shared experiences as humans. We can empathize and we can be compassionate. And through our passionate, subversive words – our poetry and stories – we can convey that life to people who desperately need it, and yet consciously are not willing to hear it. We can move beyond understanding someone’s needs and actually feel those needs.

Let me step away from the cyber-pulpit. Sorry, I feel a lot of passion about this subject. What I am trying to say is that I am grateful for a God who shares my passions, and I am grateful that He brought four new friends into my life to share those passions with me. Do you feel me?

I Feel

2007-12-06T07:04:00.001-05:00

I feel . . .

Torrential rain

Endless tears

Shapeless love

House of mirrors

Wind-blown leaves

Shaking hands

Desert dryness

Shifting sands

Volcanic thunder

Convulsive sobs

Pillaged feelings

Emotional mobs

Frozen fright

Melted will

Fallow ground

No need to till

Loss that gains

Gain that’s loss

The hornet’s sting

Of count the cost

I feel . . .

Help Me

2007-12-06T06:31:00.001-05:00

Help me!

I’m shattered and broken,

Completely undone

My heart ripped asunder

By the one that I love

Like the scorching sun

On the morning mist

You vanquished our love

Seems that I don’t exist

Why should I be left alone?

To languish in this loss

When you promised you’d love me

No matter the cost;

But when it cost you you

You threw in the towel

Stuck in a hook

And ripped out my bowels

I’ve lost all my words

My tongue’s become dumb

The pain still persists

When I thought I’d be numb

I grope for some answer

That will banish my pain

I scrub at my heart

To erase all the stain

But your touch is implanted,

Indelibly deep

It leaves me a vacuum

Wholly incomplete

Hopeless, nothing, meaningless life

Beat on an anvil, gripped in a vice

Move on? To what?

I’m lost without you

Be strong! Don’t cry!

Two things I can’t do

Don’t worry; it’ll pass

Things will get better

Nice words you say

But my soul is still fettered

I love you; I need you;

I miss you; it’s true

I can’t get me back

I gave me to you

Help me!

∞∞∞ The Sum of Love is 8 ∞∞∞

2007-11-17T02:31:00.002-05:00

∞∞∞

The sum of “I love you” is 8. That’s right. Not many people know this. I can only think of two who really know this strange mathematical phenomenon – me included. As kids we used to say I love you in code by writing 1-4-3. Each numeral represented the number of letters in each word of the phrase. We thought we were crafty. But we really didn’t know much about love, not really.

As my love matured, I reverted to this childlike method of communication. Maybe there was a need to talk in code, but honestly, it was because I came to a deeper understanding of love. In my "greater sophistication," I totaled the three numbers and would simply type or say, “8.” I have only used this expression with one person, and that is the way it will remain – always & forever. At times, 8 failed to be genuine love, but most of the time it was true to form. Today, it challenges me, because as I studied this numeral, I realized that if it is read backwards or upside down, it is still 8. That's the way true love works. No matter how you slice or dice it; it remains constant.

Even more profound was that fact that when turned sideways, it succinctly demonstrates the true nature of love: infinity. Someone used to tell me, “I love you times infinity.” This was the only way of conveying the force of this feeling I suppose. Love isn't simply constant; it is also infinite.

∞ best represents the nature of God: love. Every time I type the number 8, I am reminded about the love of God. For me, the number says, “I love you unconditionally – always & forever – times infinity.” It says that in just one character! And while I know this is probably not amazing to anyone but me, I am completely enamored by this numerical concept.

Every chance I get, being careful not to wear it out, I will insert this one number to remind my friend of how much I care. And each time I use it, God reminds me of how much He cares. When I was a kid, almost a baby really, there was a television show that aired titled, "Eight Is Enough." I am one of eight children, so the title of the show always stuck with me. And despite this all sounding like numerical nonsense, I have come to realize and embrace -- at least when it comes to love -- that 8 is enough.

Nathan

∞∞∞

Like My Next Breath . . .

2006-07-18T15:48:00.002-04:00

It’s been about a month since my last blog. I am trying to be consistent in posting one each month. The one I am going to share with you today is extremely personal. I am a little nervous about letting others in on the thoughts of my heart; I felt this personal letter was appropriate since recently God has been convicting me about how I have allowed the enemy and circumstances strain and fracture some very important friendships. Let me set this up:

A few years ago a friend of mine was going through a lot of stuff. He felt like his life had come to a standstill, no one truly loved him, and was talking about suicide. He is like a brother to me and was often a source of comfort and confidence. We used to chat and talk for hours about the things of God. We talked about God’s hesed – that unfailing love that God offers to us, even when we’re unfaithful. It is the kind of love that remains “covenantally” committed even when we are not. The book of Hosea depicts this succinctly. We also talked about how unusual it was for two unrelated languages – Hebrew and Greek – to have words – ruach and pneuma – that could each mean three things: spirit, wind, or breath. In other words, the Old Testament and the New Testament each have a different word that has precisely the same meaning and number of meanings. This is extremely strange when you consider these languages are not from the same linguistic family. For me, it testifies to the unified voice of the Bible. We discussed many of these things as he was preparing for his first sermon and wanted my input. I was so honored and humbled to be a small part of that.

I have said all of this so that you can understand what is going on at times in this letter. My friend definitely understood it because we talked about it often. You see, inspiration, is simply to breathe in or inhale. Remember breath, wind, or spirit can be meant by this term in the Biblical languages. My friend and I talked about how God breathes life into us and how important it is for us to receive this. We must breathe His life in! The following letter was just a reminder at a time when he felt like circumstances were suffocating him. We often closed our communications with a familiar phrase: (I love you) Like My Next Breath . . .

My Dearest Brother….

I lack the ability to convey the warmth I feel in my heart towards you – the fondness, the utter love. You have been a constant source of strength and encouragement to my life; I only hope that perhaps now, I can be a fraction of that to you. You broke down walls in my life that I did not even know existed. The story of your life so pierced me that since that day, my life has been profoundly and irrevocably changed. The mere thought of you stirs my heart with hope and a passion for living. You inspire me . . . literally breathe life into the lungs of my soul. From our very first conversation, I knew that I had met someone with whom I would be a life long friend. And it is a true saying that friendships are forged in the fires of adversity. And this fire has truly crafted something that the gates of hell will not prevail against.

It is easy for one to grow weary after being tossed about on the harsh winds of life for what seems an eternity. Your wings grow tired, and even the thought of flight seems like a faint, almost hopeless dream. It is just so hard – especially when you can find nowhere to rest your weary wings. We all want to succeed – to fly high on the winds of life. We all want to be accepted and loved – unconditionally. We all want to impact others and transform their lives into something better and into something more than what they could have achieved alone. We all want some kind of redemption, some kind of enduring meaning to come from the pains and cruelties we have experienced in our lives. We don’t want the hurt to be completely meaningless. We hope that it would find significance – and perhaps, miraculously alter the destiny of another to the Glory of God.

But sometimes it just feels too hard – too overwhelming, and it is easy to lose our eternal perspectives – especially when the temporal is painted so large and vividly. The here and now screams for our attention. It almost drowns out the still small voice of the Holy Spirit – the Spirit of Peace. Ultimately, we can just become so tired we don’t want to try anymore; we just want peace. It may seem as though we are always failing, but remember, failure isn’t the worst thing in the world . . . quitting is.

God (and I to a limited degree) understands how easy it is to just want the cup to pass from us . . . for there to be another way, if possible . . . The daily battles of life can take such a heavy toll. This is especially true when it seems we are all alone and have no one to lean on. I often feel I fail you in this area. But I want you to know one thing my brother, I AM HERE FOR YOU! And I will fight for you on my knees; you will see.

I owe a debt to you my brother that I could never hope to repay. Your friendship . . . your fellowship . . . well, it’s priceless. Had you not been there for me at the time you were – who knows? But God has a way of Divinely orchestrating things in such a beautiful way that the ultimate outcome produces a harmony and music that could only proceed from the Composer of Life – He produces a melody that brings life, where once only death seemed possible.

Life is here – and more on the way my brother. I am so humbled and deeply grateful that God would allow me to be a part of it – especially when that part might concern your life, the life of someone I love immeasurably. Your part is just to breathe deeply – inhale it; choose life! There is strength in the love of God. Do not forget the God Who called you and has been so faithful to you. His hesed will always abound to you. There is a powerful line in the “When You Believe” song: though hope is frail, it’s hard to kill. That is so powerful to me. Though vision is frail, it’s not that easily snuffed out. It may smolder faintly as a slight ember, but just when you think it’s about to go out, it ignites into a glorious flame that sets the lives of others ablaze with passion for Jesus.

I love you my brother. Do not underestimate this love! There is a day coming when you will feel its strength. More than that, do not underestimate the love of Christ! It will sustain you through this period, and I will be in agreement with it on my knees.

Like My Next Breath . . .

Nathan

We All Wanna Be Loved

2006-06-16T17:33:00.002-04:00

We All Wanna Be Loved

“I love you.” It’s hard to believe how the rich meaning of those three words has been turned into something so cheap. We use those words as an unreflective knee-jerk response to the “I-love-yous” of others. We incessantly and unashamedly repeat the phrase when we want to manipulate others to fulfill our own selfish motives – whether that is to get something or just “get some.”

I guess it’s no wonder then that the more thoughtful and considerate people use it so sparingly. I guess they don’t want their salt to lose its flavor. And who can blame them? After all, salt that doesn’t have any flavor is just plain flaky.

How did something so rich and powerful become something so poor and impotent? How did “I love you” get so corrupted? It’s probably because the essence of sin is selfishness. Selfish beings realize – either consciously or unconsciously – that love is the most fundamental need of humanity. We all want to be loved! Whether or not we consciously know this is entirely another matter. Still, the selfish prey on this vital need. Consequently, those all-too-important three words become denigrated to the point of being irrelevant. They certainly become easy to flippantly speak but exceedingly difficult to faithfully live out.

Again, this explains the reservations of the more reflective to express those life-giving three words. This is because a sensitive considerate person realizes the gravity of the expression. To truly utter those words is to freely give part of your self to another without the expectation of some kind of return; so, the greedy are left empty handed. To authentically utter those words is to commit your self to the often long and arduous process of being a true friend; so, the irresponsible are left jaded. To legitimately utter those words is to make your self transparent and vulnerable to the pain that comes from the possibility of being rejected; so, the fearful are left cringing. No, only a thoughtful, generous, committed, brave person can genuinely utter those three words. And those come few and far between. Maybe that’s why “I love you” has become so artificial?

I spoke to my brother last night on the phone for several hours. See, last night I desperately wanted to feel loved, if not hear someone say, “I love you.” He awakened at some absurd hour (perhaps not so absurd for a college student) and called me – unexpectedly. We talked about a number of things, some silly, some serious. We listened to each other with compassion and care as the moment called for it; we laughed with each other with revelry and recklessness when the situation solicited it. We had a good time. I never heard him say, “I love you” that night because he’s not the type to throw those words around lightly. But I did feel loved that night as he patiently and empathically listened to all of my pains and problems, and he conferred on me the dignity that comes with being seen and understood as a real person. I hope he felt the warmth and sincerity behind my “I love you” – just as I felt the wonder and genuineness of his love through his steadfast silence. After all: We all want and need to be loved!

About Me . . .

2006-06-16T17:31:00.004-04:00

I am a Christian. I don’t say this to blatantly wave a red religious banner in the faces of my readers for effect, but rather to disclose that Christianity is such an integral part of who I am that I cannot simply compartmentalize my life in such a way as to leave it out any more than I could cease to be human, male or organic. Christianity is a comprehensive whole to me. It frames my worldview and ultimately I am subsumed under the weight of its love and shaped in every dimension of my life by the impact of its freedom.

Having said that, you shouldn’t be surprised that most of my thoughts are tempered, if not crafted, by this integral part of me. For me to do otherwise would be to splinter and fragment myself into something unintelligible and certainly disingenuous. Besides, does anyone really believe that someone can be absolutely objective and unbiased, uncolored by the sum of all the experiences he or she brings forward? Why not be honest and simply state your bias (meaning who you are) upfront? This way, others can intelligently sift through what you’re saying in an informed (even if disagreeable) way.

Today, June 16, 2006, in my first attempt at blogging. I suppose many first-time bloggers make this disclaimer. A friend has inspired me to set out on this endeavor. I suppose that it provides an outlet for one of the more basic desires of humanity: the desire to be heard. Why do we want to be heard? This is a legitimate question I think. I think it can begin to be understood by realizing that when we listen to someone, we are saying that they are worth being heard. Everyone wants to feel a sense of worth. When we pay attention to others – hear their voice – we are affirming their personhood and consequently their intrinsic value. We are saying that they, and by extension, what they are saying, are worth something; they have value. At the most fundamental level, we are saying “I love you.”

This brings me to my bottomline philosophy on life: We all want to be loved! The desire and need to be and feel loved makes the world go ‘round. It makes painters paint and poets poetic. It makes singers sing and philosophers philosophize. It scares the brave and makes weak the strong. It makes the wisest of us act foolish and even the foolish behave wisely at times. Almost everything we do in life, whether we know it or not, revolves around our desire to be loved. On that note, here is my first entry:

We All Wanna Be Loved